Fork You
[2006-07-28 12:45]

As we all know, and as reported in Smithsonian Magazine, the fork is the instrument of Satan.

Since as recent as the 1800's, however, godless pagans ("the Rockefellers, Carnegies and Morgans") popularized the use of the fork in America. But many believe that this atrocity has gone on for far too long.

Reverend Ivar Littlebottom, spokesman for the Holier-Than-Thou Association of America and The First Stone Coalition, stated at a rally last Wednesday:

"The Bible clearly defines a meal as the union between one knife and one spoon. If we allow people to use forks, what's next? Should we allow them to eat babies too? Because that's where it leads: infanticidal cannibalism."

Others see the acceptance of the fork as part of the secular progressive agenda and its War on Breakfast.

"Jesus didn't use a fork," observed one vociferous talk-show host. "The fork is just more liberal bias against traditional family values and gruel. Shut up!"

Some blame the situation on the Italians for inventing pasta. Others blame the Chinese. "Don't even get me started on chopsticks!"

When asked to comment on the spork, Littlebottom simply said "Jesus wept."